The State of My Union...

Wow....4 months since a post? Maybe this relationship isn't working out so well, blog. I mean....I guess it is a little one-sided. ;-)
So after 4 months being a Vegas resident, I'm just beginning to settle in. Overall, I'm really glad I made the move here. It hasn't been a great year for me; while I've had a lot of exciting things going on in my life, I've had quite a run of bad luck. I've been really struggling financially, physically, and of course those things add to the mental and emotional stress that other events have created within myself. WOW....talk about a dose of gratitude when you need it: As I'm sitting here bitching about poor little me in my blog, I have Law and Order on the tube to serve as background noise. A little boy, about 8, just witnessed his father shooting himself in the head as the police held him at gunpoint. Eh....guess I could have had it a little worse. While I was in the office today, I had this wave of emotion come over me (which has been happening pretty frequently lately), and I just started crying from this feeling of emotional exhaustion I have. While I try to have a positive outlook on life despite the adversity I've faced, I really hope the next 26 years are a lot easier. It's crazy, but my threshold for crisis or tragedy seems to lessen as I get older. Or maybe it's just that I've finally reached my threshold.....
For whatever reason, I've been in a reflective state over the past few months. Maybe this means it's time to make some changes in my life. I'm not quite sure exactly what it is I feel I need to add or subtract from my life, but I know I'm not the type of person to allow myself to be discontent. People give me so much shit about how analytical I am, and I'm certainly not giving up on this one until I figure it out.
There are some obvious things that I know are bothering me, but the rest will take some digging to really hash out what it is I want, and the uncertainty of who I want to be only adds to the feeling of emptiness that I've been feeling at my core.
I started to write my memoir, and I'm sure the brainstorming and little writing I've done has contributed to these thoughts and feelings. I'm just going to keep going though....this is something I've always wanted to do, and even if it takes me years, I'm certain some of the process, and definitely the completion will be therapeutic.
Along with my book, I'll be working on my resolutions and goals for the new year.....

F'n A...It's really been since February since I bolgged? I guess I'm not too good at this. The funny thing is, I journal constantly....writing is a huge outlet for me, and I really love to write. I'm just so weird about people seeing what I regurgitate onto paper. Seriously...I don't even like when someone reads my To-Do list. I guess I'm afraid of people getting inside my head....it can be a scary place to be!
So I guess quite a bit has happened since February....graduated, moved to Vegas, and have become an invalid due to the issue with my neck. I'm far from the old me...mentally, emotionally, and physically. To be honest, I'm ready to just give up. Bodybuilding or any physical activity is out for me right now. I never thought at 25 I'd have such a debilitating health issue, and I never thought the US healthcare system would fuck me over as much as they have. I feel sort of abandoned by our country, and I really have no idea where to go from here. I'm just not myself...losing hope and ready to give up.

So I'm a little neurotic....

My life has always been a little strange, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Normalcy just bores me. Well I made another spontaneous/ maybe wild decision last night. The forecast was calling for MAJOR snow in the DC area....we are supposed to get like 30 in. by the time it's done tomorrow night. Jokingly, I suggested to Tre that I was going to flee the area and come out to California to avoid the storm. The more I thought about it though, it seemed like a no-brainer. I'm done with classes for the week (not that the University will be open through all of this), and why should I choose to get snowed into my apartment and be miserable?
That's one thing that's characteristic of me....I hate to be stuck anywhere! I can't even stay home for a day without going out to do something. It doesn't have to be anything exciting; I just need to get out in the world. And if I feel like I'm forced to stay in, it's like being in prison. I can't handle it!
After staying in all weekend last weekend, miserable with neck pain, I knew my psyche needed this trip.
......so here I am in California! Somehow, we managed to get me on a flight yesterday that flew out at 6:50 AM before the snow started to fall in DC. I had to drive to Baltimore to fly out of BWI, and I flew into San Francisco. My neck really started to bother me on the plane....(I think the altitude affects it, along with lugging around my bags). I was absolutely exhausted, and unfortunately I had a middle seat for both flights in my journey to SF. On the flight from Milwaukee to SF, I sat next to a really friendly lady who's from Wisconsin, and she and her husband are planning to move to California. She had also lived in Virginia for awhile, and we talked for a bit about the differences in culture and the people between east and west coast. It's nice to hear other people confirm those notions because sometimes I think maybe I'm fooling myself by thinking a geographical cure will make me happy....but I truly think it will.
Anyway, I dozed off for maybe an hour after our chat, and at the end of our flight she asked me if my neck hurt because I was sleeping with my chin on my chest. She said, "You could have slept with your head on my shoulder!"
I thought that was really cute. :-)

So anyway...I rented a car through good 'ol Fox again, and what do you know.....I got hooked up with a PT Cruiser again! Ha! This one isn't bright blue though; it's black. It feels good to be home. :-)
I'm driving from SF to Tre's outside of Sacramento. I stopped in Fairfield, and I've been in this Starbucks for like three hours now. I've just been in a zone....it may have something to do with the fact that I've gotten one hour of sleep in the last like 35 hours. So I've been writing, reading, and doing some research on herniated cervical discs. When my plane landed I had a message from my doctor's office explaining that was the result of the MRI I had yesterday. I can maybe go into more of that later.....
I'm running out of steam and need to get back on the road. I think I have another hour plus to Sac.

Lada!!!!

For my one follower ;-)

I'm such a shitty blogger. :-(
I swear my life is really interesting, I just forget to write about all of the weird and cool things that happen. haha

So I'm totally psyched that I decided not to compete this year. I really feel like it was the best decision I could have made right now. As cliche as it sounds, I really am looking forward to the time I can spend working on my spiritual self. As a bodybuilding competitor, that one activity easily consumes my life, and I feel like I've kind of lost sight of who I am as a result of that. I just want to take a little time to revisit the other things that make me who I am and explore new areas as well.
Once I came to this conclusion (yesterday), I had to act right away.....because I don't do anything casually. ;-) So I walked into this MMA studio that is a few blocks away from my apartment. I've been driving past it for months, and every time I do, I think about how I've always wanted to learn how to box.
So...I walk in and tell the young guy sitting behind the counter that I want to get some more information on their classes. He asks, "Well, what are you interested in?" I say, "I don't know really....I just want to punch somebody." He seemed to get a kick out of that and told me to stick around for the Muay Thai class that was just about to start. So I hung out for about a half an hour waiting and chatted with this guy a bit. The crazy thing was he knew an awful lot about female bodybuilding....didn't see that coming. I attract schmoes like white on rice!
Anyway....the class was awesome. It's an intense cardio workout, and I feel like it's what has been missing as far as my physical activity.......I like the contact and the social interaction incorporated with the physical aggression. Bodybuilding can be a very lonely sport, and it's near impossible to have other hobbies when you are competing.
So, I'm pretty sure Muay Thai and boxing are going to be a regular thing for me for awhile. I'm still going to train in the gym of course, but not having the burden and pressure of a competition really frees my mind and time up to do other things.

I spoke with my grandmother on the phone tonight and told her about my boxing class. Her response: "Your going to be dangerous! You picked your Mom up like a sack of potatoes at the beach last weekend."
Hahaha
I love my family.

All that said.....I'm fairly positive I'll get back on stage in 2010. As conflicting as it can be, I have such a passion for bodybuilding, and it's not something I want to give up. I just need to learn how to do it in a way that is mentally and emotionally healthier for me.....

Let me wipe the dust off of this thing....

Every so often, I go through an awkward adjustment phase in my life. It always seems to arise out of the blue, although I'm probably just oblivious to all of the precursors. Suddenly I will be discontent with everything in my life, I will go through a period of extreme discomfort, and then I'll start making radical changes.

That feeling of dissatisfaction recently crept up on me, and after some deep reflection I'm left questioning who I am and who I want to be. It's so easy to lose sight of what is important to me when I'm stuck in the daily grind of life. I can become so focused on one thing, that I lose the focus of everything in the peripheral.

So I've been a mess the last few days, trying to figure out what it is that is bothering me. I really don't have an articulate answer to that yet, but I know that I should embrace these awkward moments because with them comes growth.

A usual morning these days....

Woke up this morning an hour later than I wanted to....
Anyone who really knows me understands that I am not at my prime in the morning. It really takes me at least 30 minutes before I am coherent and able to communicate.
I drink my coffee (a must), check my email and stuff, and get ready to head out the door for AM cardio. Just one of those days......
First of all, I can't get out the front door because they're doing some kind of work on the steps at the entrance of my apartment building. So I make the detour around the building to get to my car, praying that I don't bump into anyone that wants to chat. Yes, the 30 minutes has passed so I'm a little more awake now, but I think that window of time is actually longer when I haven't eaten. Yep, gotta do the cardio on an empty stomach.
So I drive the 2 miles to the gym I like, but of course it takes 15 min. to get there because I live in Northern Virginia where the traffic is the worst in the country. I get to the gym, walk to the front door and see the sign....."Sorry, we're closed to due a power outage."
Grrrr! Now I'm even grumpier and hungrier, but determined to get my cardio in. So I drive to South Arlington and do my 45 min. on the treadmill.

Hmmmm....I think blogging will be good for me. It really helps you put things in perspective when you write things out. How lucky I am to have such high quality problems, eh?

So I've eaten my eggs, and now I'm a happy camper.